Might want to think twice before dining on turtle soup tonight.

Remember those childhood days spent ripping through the Foot Clan with your favorite Ninja Turtle in the arcades? How about the pure glee you experienced the moment you first popped the Turtles in Time cart into the top of your SNES? Of course you do. The TMNT arcade-style offerings in the early nineties are some of the most beloved beat-‘em-ups of yore. Aside from the fact that they were the only Ninja Turtle titles you could probably conquer (let’s face it, you weren’t beating this one), they provided a perfect excuse to get together with three of your closest buddies and just burn quarters (or, at the very least, a half-hour or so) together.

I was among these gamers reminiscing about the days of old, so you could imagine my excitement—shared by many—when I first caught wind of a full-on remake of the SNES classic, slated exclusively for Xbox Live Arcade. Now that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled is finally here, however, I must regretfully admit that I’m afraid we may have all set our expectations far too high.

Ohhhhh.... Shell Shock.

Nostalgia sucks

All those fond memories you had of these games? Well, it’s not to say that they’re entirely misguided, but there is little dispute that many of the old-school beat-‘em-up games we loved as kids simply haven’t aged very well. Re-Shelled does a pretty good job of proving this point with its vastly upgraded visuals but stale and monotonous hack-and-slash gameplay. Each level is pretty much the same as you remember it from the original game—just with a fresh coat of paint—and you might be surprised at just how boring this all seems fifteen years later (maybe the Turtles ought to hop back in that time warp of theirs).

That assessment isn’t being completely fair to the SNES classic, however. Re-Shelled actually missteps in a few critical areas of the adaptation as well, leading to some vastly different (inferior) impressions. The first and most obvious of these is the fact that you can now attack in more than just two directions. In the original game, you either turned left or right and then attacked; anything near you and in front of your turtle when this occurred would sustain damage. In Re-Shelled, it’s actually possible to attack diagonally as well, and that makes things a little bit more complex than they ought to be. Couple that with the fact that it’s now disturbingly difficult to tell where precisely your turtle is in the midst of all the action that ensues throughout a four-player session, and you’ve got yourself a rather frustrating experience on your hands (this is partially due to the fact that there are many more enemies on-screen at once now, but it’s equally thanks to the lack of overhead indicators above the turtles).

They won't be so happy once they reach the Magus Sisters.

Beyond that, this version is actually shorter than the original. Sure, we’re only talking ten bucks here, but the entire Technodrome level has actually been removed from this version of the game… and the Sewer Surfin’ level is missing its boss. Speaking of bosses, several others have been swapped with different characters to help keep the title congruent with the newer Turtles franchise… personally, this bothered me.

Rounding out the list of complaints, finally, is the fact that even the soundtrack has been desecrated. On one hand, it’s understandable that the audio was given a facelift along with the video side of things—but Turtles in Time’s soundtrack was one of the most appealing aspects of the original package, so if you’re going to redo it, you’d better redo it right (written as the classic Sewer Surfin’ music plays in my head… they should have just pulled a Street Fighter HD Remix and contracted these guys to do the covers). Sadly, what’s replaced the infectious, melodic, vivacious tunes of the SNES predecessor is nothing short of ambient, forgettable, and generic… WTF?

The "special" moves are back, too.

So what are you trying to say?

Not everything’s a disaster in this rather depressing remake. For one thing, the animation is excellent. Voice acting is good enough also, and the 3-D levels look great. Of course, four-player local and online multiplayer is supported. And the game’s only $10, so that must be strongly considered. But none of these things are enough to make the game appealing to either fans or newcomers. The bottom line is that it’s a bland reincarnation of a popular game that might not have won too many awards had it been released today—but that still would have scored more favorably than this fragmented remake. Collectors will find it hard not to take the plunge, but if you’re among that crowd, just be aware of what to expect ahead of time.